here's some. I follow this guy every day, along with 312,684 other people. Thanks to Jarret McNeill for introducing me to Jordan, a guy who describes himself thusly: "I'm 28. I live with my 73-year-old dad. He is awesome. I just write down shit that he says."
Ok, so Jordam's tiwitter feed consists entirely of shit his dad says to him. And here's the kind of awesome shit his dad says. Please someone animate this. It's just too good not to... "Why the fuck would I want to live to 100? I'm 73 and shit's starting to get boring. By the way, there's no money left when I go, just fyi." 'You don't know shit, and you're not shit. Don't take that the wrong way, that was meant to cheer you up." "Here's a strawberry, sorry for farting near you...Hey! Either take the strawberry and stop bitching, or no strawberry, that's the deal." "The worst thing you can be is a liar....Okay fine, yes, the worst thing you can be is a Nazi, but THEN, number two is liar. Nazi 1, Liar 2" "Who in the fuck is tila tequila? Is she a stripper?...That's her? Yeah, that's a stripper, son, I don't give a shit what you say." "Everybody loves that Da Vinci code book. Bullshit, it sucks. I read it. It's for all the dummies." "I'm having a Makers Mark, you want one? What? 7up? I ain't mixing fucking makers with 7up. Might as well put a lil' fucking umbrella in it" "What are you listening to?...I know who Hall & Oates are god dammit. It's the mustache guy and the gay man." "I just did an hour on the gym machine. I'm sweaty and I have to shit. Where's my fannypack, this workout is over." (watching the Little League World Series) "These kids are all fat. I remember when you were in little league.... You were fat." "Who is this woman?....Kate Beckinsale? Well, you can tell Kate Beckinsale she sucks."