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I’m Following A Flight Attendant

September 18, 2009 — 11

What airline? She won't tell. All I know is that we are going to go for pizza next week, as soon as she lands.  It's Friday, and my Favorite Follow today on twitter is Heather Poole, a flight attendant.

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Heather's pretty genius, with a following all her own. Her fans call themselves Laviators, a word that just entered the Urban Dictionary.  Laviators are travelers who take photos of themselves and make music videos in airplane bathrooms.  We could do a whole series of these.  I'm publicly daring Chester French to make a video on one of Heather's flights.

Call them at 617-830-2532 and tell D.A. they gotta do this.

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One of my favorite sections of Heather's blog, not surprisingly, is Crew Confessions, in which her anonymous colleagues can truly speak their mind about how fucking annoying we all are on their flights.

Some real flight attendants' confessions:

I only give buddy passes to people I hate. Then I can gleefully relish when they get stranded in Senegal for 10 days. – Bob, the singing pilot

My fantasy: I have my wife dress up in a polyester uniform which she has worn for the last 3 days, and has gotten drink stains on. Then she locks me in a dark closet... - Bob

You can’t even touch a stripper – what makes you think you can touch a Stewardess? I’m wearing polyester, my work shoes are strictly for comfort and I like to be in bed by 10pm whenever possible. Which part of “Never poke the Stewardess” do you not comprehend? – Anonymous

A passenger demands a beer. the crew smiles graciously and says “I will be back with your beer Sir”. He then says : “I want it now!” loudly. he replies, “of course sir, I will get it now”. He goes back to the galley. Picks a nice, warm heineken, shakes it, and goes back to the customer with coasters, nuts, and every possible tidbit to make him happy. Seconds later he hears his whole area laughing their heads off. The twat had beer all over his face… Neighbours cracking up next to him telling him to ask politely next time and avoid self-embarrassment. – Anonymous

I once rebooked a woman into a different (read: crappier) seat on a flight because we had difficulties with her reservation and she called me all sorts of names in another language she didn’t think I or my co-worker understood! - Anonymous

Wanna know what my flight attendant fantasy is? A 20 hour layover where we can SLEEP & EAT! – Shelby