I'm following a common squirrel on twitter. Try it, it helps put things in perspective. Here are some of his recent tweets. I especially love when he gets to the acorn... run run run about 8 hours ago hop about 14 hours ago run run run run run about 14 hours ago sniff about 15 hours ago jump jump jump jump jump about 15 hours ago dig dig dig about 17 hours ago run run run run about 18 hours ago jump jump about 21 hours ago blink blink about 23 hours ago sleep 10:04 PM Oct 14th stare 9:03 PM Oct 14th run run 8:01 PM Oct 14th eat eat eat 7:21 PM Oct 14th acorn 3:56 PM Oct 14th dig dig 4:15 PM Oct 14th
What airline? She won't tell. All I know is that we are going to go for pizza next week, as soon as she lands. It's Friday, and my Favorite Follow today on twitter is Heather Poole, a flight attendant.
Heather's pretty genius, with a following all her own. Her fans call themselves Laviators, a word that just entered the Urban Dictionary. Laviators are travelers who take photos of themselves and make music videos in airplane bathrooms. We could do a whole series of these. I'm publicly daring Chester French to make a video on one of Heather's flights.Call them at 617-830-2532 and tell D.A. they gotta do this.
One of my favorite sections of Heather's blog, not surprisingly, is Crew Confessions, in which her anonymous colleagues can truly speak their mind about how fucking annoying we all are on their flights.
Some real flight attendants' confessions:
I only give buddy passes to people I hate. Then I can gleefully relish when they get stranded in Senegal for 10 days. – Bob, the singing pilot
My fantasy: I have my wife dress up in a polyester uniform which she has worn for the last 3 days, and has gotten drink stains on. Then she locks me in a dark closet... - Bob
You can’t even touch a stripper – what makes you think you can touch a Stewardess? I’m wearing polyester, my work shoes are strictly for comfort and I like to be in bed by 10pm whenever possible. Which part of “Never poke the Stewardess” do you not comprehend? – Anonymous
A passenger demands a beer. the crew smiles graciously and says “I will be back with your beer Sir”. He then says : “I want it now!” loudly. he replies, “of course sir, I will get it now”. He goes back to the galley. Picks a nice, warm heineken, shakes it, and goes back to the customer with coasters, nuts, and every possible tidbit to make him happy. Seconds later he hears his whole area laughing their heads off. The twat had beer all over his face… Neighbours cracking up next to him telling him to ask politely next time and avoid self-embarrassment. – Anonymous
I once rebooked a woman into a different (read: crappier) seat on a flight because we had difficulties with her reservation and she called me all sorts of names in another language she didn’t think I or my co-worker understood! - Anonymous
Wanna know what my flight attendant fantasy is? A 20 hour layover where we can SLEEP & EAT! – Shelby
Ok, so Jordam's tiwitter feed consists entirely of shit his dad says to him. And here's the kind of awesome shit his dad says. Please someone animate this. It's just too good not to... "Why the fuck would I want to live to 100? I'm 73 and shit's starting to get boring. By the way, there's no money left when I go, just fyi." 'You don't know shit, and you're not shit. Don't take that the wrong way, that was meant to cheer you up." "Here's a strawberry, sorry for farting near you...Hey! Either take the strawberry and stop bitching, or no strawberry, that's the deal." "The worst thing you can be is a liar....Okay fine, yes, the worst thing you can be is a Nazi, but THEN, number two is liar. Nazi 1, Liar 2" "Who in the fuck is tila tequila? Is she a stripper?...That's her? Yeah, that's a stripper, son, I don't give a shit what you say." "Everybody loves that Da Vinci code book. Bullshit, it sucks. I read it. It's for all the dummies." "I'm having a Makers Mark, you want one? What? 7up? I ain't mixing fucking makers with 7up. Might as well put a lil' fucking umbrella in it" "What are you listening to?...I know who Hall & Oates are god dammit. It's the mustache guy and the gay man." "I just did an hour on the gym machine. I'm sweaty and I have to shit. Where's my fannypack, this workout is over." (watching the Little League World Series) "These kids are all fat. I remember when you were in little league.... You were fat." "Who is this woman?....Kate Beckinsale? Well, you can tell Kate Beckinsale she sucks."