Seeking peace and tranquility, I spent this Father’s Day at the Brooklyn Botanical Garden. We signed up for the “Wicked Plants” tour, which sounded cool. Our awesome guide introduced species after species, each more bent on causing chaos in the human body.
Diarrhea, for example. We started the tour with multiple species that can be used to provoke massive, uncontrollable Diarrhea in humans…
Then we learned more about diarrhea…
In 600 B.C, Helleborus was used to poison the water supply of the Greek city Kirha, during a seige by its enemies. The inhabitants of Kirha, incapacitated with diarrhea, were unable to withstand the attack.
So basically the city of Kirha fell because its defenders were in the shitter. Nice.
Then we moved to the “Jumping Cactus,” which you can’t get too close to or it will fire needles into your skin. If you call 718 362 9586 right now and enter 8#, you’ll see what I mean.
Next up, Ricin! That’s right, the stuff terrorists use…
Moving right along, how about we attack the tobacco industry and Native Americans in front of the kids!
When the tour broke for a bathroom stop, my friend Todd took over and scared the shit out of kids some more. He pointed to a drawing of a plant that can really mess you up royally. That’s when his son recognized the plant and admitted, “I’ve touched that before!”
So you see, an amazing trip for the whole family. Thinking of what I should get certain people for the holidays, I asked if any of these plants are for sale. Pretty sure that’s when our tour guide reported me.