At 5pm today, my assistant ran into my office, screaming that my Twitter account was under attack. Attack? Yes. Someone (or some robot) figured out my twitter password and began spamming everyone I know with messages about how much I love a new colon cleansing product. Colon cleansing!

So if you got spammed by me on twitter today, I’m sorry. And to the one assface who sent me hate mail (as if I intentionally spammed you, you dick), I hope your colon rots.

Look at me, I’m getting all belligerent. Maybe I could use a good cleanse. (My wife’s been telling me to do a juice diet.)

The more I poked around about colons on the web, the more I became convinced that people who scrub their colons are happier than the rest of us. They’re free. They’re jubilant. There’s a bounce in their step.

HERE’S A REAL ACCOUNT OF HOW IT FEELS TO CLEAN YOUR COLON:

It really was the most unusual feeling. Once that first piece came out I was so happy to fast!! When I saw what was in me, I just wanted it all out. And for the next four days, it came out five or six times a day. Of course the first thing I did was email pictures to my mom. My subject line read, “It’s gross & it’s mine!!”

Would you like to see some pictures of some really happy people?

(WARNING: Don’t click here if you are not prepared for some serious shit, I mean it.)